6.30 – baby is awake. Are we really starting the day now? Baby is chatting happily so I may as well go back to sleep
6.35 – spoke too soon. Baby is screaming! Hand over empty water bottle for him to play with
6.37 – get hit on head with empty water bottle
6.38 – baby screams
6.39 – fine we’re awake!
6.40 – change nappy (the baby’s…. Obviously!)
6.45 – place baby in highchair. Drink a coffee
7.00 – give baby breakfast. Opt for yoghurt as easy option and know baby will eat it
7.10 – baby is covered in yoghurt. I am covered in yogurt. Kitchen is covered in yoghurt
7.11 – wipe baby’s face by somehow turning it into a game to avoid the scream
7.15 – place baby in cot under mobile. Have a shower
7.20 – get dressed
7.25 – get baby dressed
7.30 – place baby in jumperoo and make breakfast. Not yoghurt…. Anything but yoghurt!!
8.00 – baby screams to come out of jumperoo, however, as soon as I go to get him out he jumps frantically and laughs. I see; he wanted an audience. At least he is a sociable child
8.03 – Baby stops bouncing and screams. Played this game before…. He wants me to jump with him. Apparently it’s hilarious. He knows I’m a sucker for his laugh so obviously I play along. He’s so cute!
8.05 – have no energy left (me not the baby) so take him out of jumperoo and place him on playmat
8.10 – baby screams. This is going to be a long day! Try to get baby to watch masterchef but he would rather play with my mouth
8.11 – realise I need to cut his fingernails!
8.30 – baby yawns. Advise him that’s what happens when you wake up at the crack of dawn. He thinks it’s funny…. At least he understands sarcasm. I’ve taught him well!
9.00 – plan to go for a walk to get the baby to sleep. Pack pram and bags
9.10 – leave house
9.12 – return to house for pram’s rain cover
9.15 – baby yawns. *Recline pram* Baby screams. *Put baby back upright*
9.30 – baby has fallen asleep. *Recline pram*
10.00 – time for coffee number 2 of the day. *Locate correct coffee loyalty card from purse*. Soon I’ll have free coffee in about 10 different places!
10.15 – baby wakes up and looks unimpressed we are in a coffee chain! However happily plays with toys in pram
10.30 – walk to Tesco
10.50 – baby is hungry. This obviously happens in the middle of the aisle! rapidly make up bottle (he now takes a bottle hooray!!)
10.55 – attempt to feed baby in middle of dairy aisle
11.00 – baby has only drunk 2oz and now wants to come out of pram!
11.03 – baby wins! Take baby out of pram and place basket in pram
11.10 – baby wants to push the pram. Obviously! What 8 month old wants to push their own pram?? Baby screams so I let him push the pram. This is actually fairly comical and I attempt to take a photo.
11.15 – baby is getting heavy so has to go back in the pram. He is clearly not impressed and shows it. Loudly. Ignore other shoppers’ judgemental stares as I finish shop.
11.45 – get home. Give baby rest of bottle
12.30 – have lunch. Try actually eat own lunch while feeding baby (ok fine try eat one handed whilst simultaneously doing damage limitation as baby insists on feeding himself!) lunch ends up everywhere. It’s clearly much more fun to smear food over the highchair, your face and your clothes than actually eating it!
13.00 – try get baby to have a nap. I think it would be easier to obtain a physics degree (note: almost failed science at school!) End up cuddling baby with dummy in his mouth to get him to sleep #parentingfail. On the bright side managed to watch an episode of masterchef!
14.00 – baby has woken up happy. Bonus! Maybe he’ll play by himself while I do some tidying!? Place baby on playmat. Oh no what’s that you expect me to entertain you? Great! What songs do I know that don’t involve nursery rhymes? None? Ok we’ll have another rendition of ‘the wheels on the bus’!
15.00 – attempt to cook dinner ready for later. Place baby in highchair and stick down toys on the tray
15.10 – baby screams. All toys are now on the floor. That was heavy duty Velcro! How did you manage to remove it?
15.11 – make baby a bottle (did I mention he now drinks a bottle!? Hurrah!)
15.30 – return to cooking. Replace all toys on highchair
16.00 – baby screams… Baby stinks!
16.01 – change nappy as quickly as possible without baby smearing poo everywhere and wee-ing on me!
16.10 – baby now much happier. Clearly needed a poo! Get lots of cuddles, ‘kisses’ (I count it as a kiss when he sucks on my neck like a little vampire!), smiles and laughs!!! He’s actually the cutest, most wonderful baby in the world. Love him so much
16.45 – baby now tired. Has refused to nap all afternoon. Dummy trick didn’t work again. Also think baby is bored of me….. When will H be home? Ears hurt!
17.00 – give baby dinner. Baby too tired to eat lovingly prepared home-made meal! Should have fed him earlier. Oops. Where is H? End up feeding the baby carrot ‘sticks’ (aka actually crisps marketed for babies #parentingfail)
17.20 – baby rubbing eyes furiously. Where is H?
17.30 – yes car door slam!
17.32 – oh it’s the neighbour
17.40 – yes! Key in lock
17.41 – baby so happy to see his dad: Immediately forgets he is tired and smiles, gurgles and coos. Erm hello I’ve been looking after you all day!!!
18.00 – H gives baby his bath. I have 5 minutes of quiet!
18.02 – eat dinner. Hooray for pre-cooked meals and microwaves!
18.10 – baby doesn’t want to come out of bath. Hear screams from the kitchen.
18.15 – breastfeed baby in his room. Ponder how long he will spend in said room tonight!
18.45 – baby is asleep. Put him in cot. Baby is aware he is being put down and puts up resistance. Baby wins! Stick him back on boob
19.10 – baby actually asleep now. Try to put him down. He stirs so remain sitting until breathing slows and he is actually asleep.
19.30 – baby is asleep and lying in cot. Creep out room
19.31 – sit on sofa with H and have actual real life adult conversation.
19.40 – run out of adult things to talk about so talk about the baby
19.45 – football is on so conversation stops. H has bought me a chocolate bribe to not complain about the football!
21.00 – baby is awake! Only bright side is I don’t have to watch football anymore!
21.30 – baby is asleep again
21.35 – get ready for bed. Wonder if it’s worth trying to actually go to sleep
21.40 – in bed
22.15 – just drifting off to sleep and baby wakes up. Obviously
22.30 – baby asleep again. Go back to bed
00.00 – baby wakes up.
00.20 – baby refuses to go back in cot. No energy to fight this battle. Take baby and sleep in spare room
03.30 – baby rooting for milk
03.35 – baby asleep
03.36 – I turn over
03.38 – baby realises my boob is no longer by his face. He protests loudly until I rectify the situation. He doesn’t want milk; just wants to knows it’s nearby. Great!
6.00 – baby is awake. Is it really morning again?!
Confessions of a first time mother 